Some of us are good at planning. Some are good at sharing our feelings. Some good at resolving conflict. Others at having fun together. Much of the time we think, when we are communicating well in one area, especially the latter, that our marital communication is good overall. But if we aren’t communicating well in all four areas, we leave ourselves open to marital conflict.
Planning and Coordinating
Life is complicated, and when kids enter the picture, especially as the family gets larger, the complications can grow exponentially. Good planning and coordination between a couple is critical. One of you is probably better at planning, but don’t leave all the responsibility on that person. That’s a ticket to an imbalanced marriage. We plan our day every morning over breakfast, before the kids get up. We plan our week every Sunday. We plan our month at the end of the month prior. We even do yearly strategic planning, which I highly recommend. These are conversations that have to happen to keep stress at bay.
Fun in a marriage never stops being important. Sharing a movie or play or sporting event or family outing is a form of communication. It is shared experience, and each shared experience adds one little thread to the ties that create the marital bond. Even CNN, not the most marriage friendly organization, realizes the importance of couples spending time together.
Hundreds of books have been written on conflict resolution. Bad conflict resolution or, worse, conflict avoidance can end up in broken marriages. One of the key skills a married couple must learn is good conflict resolution. The Marriage Book by Nicky and Sila Lee is one book with an excellent section on conflict resolution. The key, though, is not to think there is one magic technique that works for everyone. Each person, and each couple, is different. Read widely in this area. Try different techniques as long as they are rooted in respect for God and your spouse. Find the parts that work and build them up into your very own personal conflict resolution technique.
Sharing Your Feelings
I put this one last because, to some degree, it’s first. The key to sharing your feelings with your spouse is to communicate with her who you are at this very moment. We are constantly changing and growing, and we must communicate those changes to our beloved. And just as importantly, we must receive those communications from our beloved and learn who she is today.
This is the root of communication. When we know who each other is, intimately, then we can plan effectively. We can enjoy each other’s company. We can resolve our problems with love instead of acrimony. So we need to spend time each and every day in intimate communication of our innermost selves. We must hold back nothing, and we must provide a safe refuge where our beloved can share her innermost self without fear.
There is no doubt. Communication in marriage is hard. But if we approach it with respect for God and our spouse, and if we pay attention to our communication in all these four areas, we can build a strong and stable marriage.